Duke Duchscherer explores responding to people who are committed to a punitive process rather than a restorative process. He suggests looking for what needs are met by the punitive process. Could those needs be met in a restorative process?

• restorative circle
• punitive
• punishment
• Duke Duchscherer

"Our bodies don’t want to spend their energy denying, suppressing, avoiding, and averting. They want to live organically in what’s true for them. They want their messages to be received, so they can move, shift, and flow with the rhythms of life."

Have you noticed a tendency in yourself to try to "look on the bright side" when things are feeling chaotic or painful?

It makes so much sense why we believe that shifting our attitude is the best way to take care of ourselves when our worlds are feeling unmanageable

And yet, this strategy of self-support, if we're trying to counteract pain without having received resonance and acknowledgment for it, actually causes us more harm in the long run.

Researchers have a few different names for this coping strategy :"emotion suppression," "spiritual bypass," "toxic positivity," and "avoidance coping."

Avoidance coping involves denying, minimizing, or otherwise avoiding dealing directly with stressful demands, and when stress is high, it is very closely linked to causing the distress and depression that it is trying to avoid.

According to a study published in American Psychological Association in 2011, people feel more sad when others expect them not to feel negative emotions such as sadness.

This is because positivity that is not rooted in the reality of a situation leaves uncompleted and complicated emotions in the body. It communicates to the brain that comfort is more important than reality.

When things are not named, spoken, or resonated with, it impacts our health and well-being. And it impacts the people around us.

We avoid experiencing difficult emotions for a reason: they are difficult to feel, especially if we have had to survive life without much or any resonance

This is why it’s so crucial to start building bridges to ourselves and each other with resonance. This is why I offer so many workshops, classes, retreats, webinars, and resonance demonstrations. Because, for many people, myself included, simply being vulnerable and attuned in a room full of people is a radical act. Of communing and care. Of attention and presence. And it is how we begin to unlearn the experiences of the past and begin to re-map our brains and bodies for safety in the world, in relation, in breath.

So that we can feel a difficult feeling or notice a difficult sensation and know that it will not destroy us.

With resonance, we grow in our capacity to be with what is true and trust that we can, with gentleness and with warmth, weather even the biggest storms. And we become more and more aligned with ourselves.

Any time of year, but especially at the holidays, we may become acutely aware of our longings for wholeness and connection. We may mourn the disconnections and the chasms between how we see the world and how our family members see the world. And we may feel reignited in our commitment to finding connection across differences and building a world in which equity, social and climate justice, and restoration are possible. We may wish for a sense of unobstructed movement toward peace.

In order to truly live the principles of nonviolence, as so many of us long to do, we need to be able to be in relationship with what is true in the world

When avoidance coping is used to sidestep real-world challenges and unrest, whether internal or external, and when we advocate the use of positive thinking to mask injustice and genuine challenges, we sidestep our own values and integrity, too.

• suppression
• bypass
• avoidance
• coping
• denial
• stress
• depression
• positive thinking
• resonance
• nonviolence
• acceptance
• Sarah Peyton

How can we hold love, understanding and compassion -- and still confront people about the harmful impact of their actions, hold them accountable, take action, speak truth and advocate for change... all in a manner fully aligned with our values and vision? Read on for how we can do accountability; what kind of action we take and with what motivation; and what our movements for change can look like from this lens.

• Gandhi
• Accountability
• Harm
• Honest expression
• Social change
• Justice
• Social Movement
• Dignity
• Punishment
• Power
• Activism
• Miki Kashtan

Trainer Tip

I hope I shall possess firmness and virtue enough to maintain what I consider the most enviable of all titles, the character of an honest man.

—George Washington

Every one of us is a gift to the people in our lives. But how often, when someone asks us how we are doing, do we respond with a flat “Fine”? Is this an honest statement? Sometimes it is. But often, we are so used to telling people that we are fine, we forget to notice that we’re not! Being fully present to the moment when we are with other people is the gift of ourselves. Hiding ourselves is the anti-gift.

Come out today. The next time someone asks you how you are doing, consider checking in with yourself and offering an honest answer. You don’t have to tell them a 15-minute story about it. You could simply say, “Hmmm. I’m actually feeling a little tired and overwhelmed by this project I’m working on. I’m certain that it will work itself out. I’m just worrying about it right now. How are you?”

If you can’t imagine being that honest with someone else, then at the very least be honest with yourself.

You are a gift. Being fully present to how you are will help you acknowledge and live within this consciousness.

For today, respond to each “How are you?” with an honest, thoughtful answer.

This trainer tip is an excerpt from Mary Mackenzie's book, Peaceful Living, available from PuddleDancer Press.

• connection
• small talk
• authenticity
• vulnerability
• Mary Mackenzie

If you want a better connection it's crucial to be mindful about how your communication affects your partner. This means noticing and keeping eye contact, observing body language, and checking for their reactions. You can also share in small increments, check in before sharing vulnerable thoughts, and express what you notice. Give yourself empathy when you notice that you want to be right more than you’re wanting to be connected.

• intention
• impact
• mindful
• communication
• connection
• dialogue
• attunement
• LaShelle Lowe-Charde
• Elia Lowe Charde

Trainer Tip

Humility is to make a right estimate of one’s self.

—Charles Haddon Spurgeon

Sometimes our behaviors keep us from meeting our greatest needs. Let’s say you long for deep connection with others, but you are also afraid of it, so you push people away. Then you tell yourself that no one likes you. Often the result is depression, loneliness, and self-criticism.

The process of self-empathy can help us become clearer about what we truly want and help us behave in ways that are more likely to meet our needs. Self-empathy also encourages us to focus on what we desire, rather than on what is wrong with others or ourselves.

Let’s assume that your joints are very sore. Rather than criticize yourself because of what you did or didn’t do, focus on what it will take to make your joints feel better. Your focus, then, is not on what’s wrong, but rather on what you need to rectify the situation.

There are four steps to the self-empathy process:

• Enjoy the jackal show: Give your jackal an opportunity to say all it wants to say. Do not try to restrain or censor it, because you might miss the full wisdom and healing it holds for you.
• Identify your feelings: Be aware of your feelings associated with the stimulus.
• Identify your needs: Be sure to identify your unmet needs.
• Make a request: Once you have identified your unmet needs, make a request that will help you meet those needs.

If you don’t get past your judgments and identify your feelings and needs, you are unlikely to receive the relief and healing you desire.

Be aware of opportunities today to empathize with yourself to help clarify your feelings and needs.

This trainer tip is an excerpt from Mary Mackenzie's book, Peaceful Living, available from PuddleDancer Press.

• self empathy
• clarity
• integrity
• effectiveness
• judgement
• self sabotage
• depression
• loneliness
• healing
• fear of intimacy
• Mary Mackenzie

Yvette Erasmus shares her interpretation of the difference between "faux" feelings and feelings. "Faux" feelings imply that someone is doing something to you and generally connote wrongness or blame.

• OFNR
• feelings
• faux feelings
• Yvette Erasmus

The last two days I spent on airports, planes and in similar social settings, on my way to co-facilitating a retreat in Virginia, US. And, as I often do in such situations, I spent certain amount of time sitting and observing people, hearing their conversations… And again I had this sense that somehow most of the conversations seem to be about proving to each other how right we are. As if the main impulse underneath most of our behavior and self-expression in social environments is about showing to ourselves and to others a certain image of ourselves, which I could narrow down to the common denominator of: “I am right. I figured it all out. I am cool. I master life…” Or perhaps the common denominator of it all actually is: “I am worthy.”

Not that I am a big fan of Margaret Thatcher, but I do like this quote of hers: “Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you are not.” My understanding is that trying to cover one’s vulnerability by putting on the mask of being cool, being right, being a master of life… actually points at some deep wounds in our hearts.

And it is not only puzzling to look around and see how disturbingly deeply wounded most of us seem to be, but it is also heartbreaking to be aware of this deeply wounded human civilization of ours as a whole. Reminds me of Gabor Mate who said that we will probably not find a non-traumatized person on the planet anymore, apart from perhaps a few in well-hidden indigenous cultures. A civilization of beings walking around with deep wounds and scars from our childhoods, doing our best to pretend to be what we think we should be in order to be worthy of love and acceptance. Doing all this in order to hopefully matter. Someday.

I so hope we will heal ourselves a bit and then wound the next generation a bit less, and perhaps one day end up in a society in which there will be so much acceptance, respect, love, care… that we will all, spontaneously, be able to meet each other in our openness, innocence, vulnerability, nakedness… And there will be no need for masks, protective mechanism, hiding our hearts underneath some thick personas.

And until then, I am clear that the idea of connecting with people who are right, who know it all, who are cool, who figured it all out, is really not an exciting one to me. What I am really looking for is a companionship with people who, like me, don’t know… A community of people that are exploring the mystery of life with humility and innocent curiosity, staring in awe into the mystery of life revealing itself in front of our eyes. Yes, I seek the company of not-knowers, the company of curious and humble explorers of the unknown, waling attentively, step by step, from one moment of this mystery on to the next one.

• humility
• right and wrong
• jackal
• knowledge
• understanding
• worthiness
• vulnerability
• arrogance
• mansplain
• Robert Krzisnik

Trainer Tip

Managing conflict for mutual benefit moves people away from assuming that co-workers are arrogant and untrustworthy to seeing them as reliable colleagues.

—Dean Tjosvold and Mary Tjosvold

When there is conflict, the chances are good that people are arguing over a particular strategy. When we focus on our needs, the opportunities for peaceful resolution that values everyone’s needs are much greater.

For instance, if a couple is arguing over whether they will get to their vacation spot by train or plane, they are arguing over strategy. What do you suppose both people’s needs are? I guess taking the train would meet needs for adventure and fun, while the plane might meet needs for efficiency about the use of vacation time.

Looking at the predicament in these terms, can you think of anything this couple could do to meet both of their needs? How about taking the train one way and the plane the other? Or taking the train for part of the journey both ways, and the plane for the rest of the trip? How about extending the length of the trip so there is time for the train ride and ample time at the vacation spot?

When we look at our conflicts from the perspective of needs rather than strategies, we open the possibility for creative resolution that meets everyone’s needs.

Be aware of opportunities to shift the focus from strategies to needs today to resolve a conflict.

This trainer tip is an excerpt from Mary Mackenzie's book, Peaceful Living, available from PuddleDancer Press.

• conflict
• partnership
• mutual
• trust
• Mary Mackenzie

The other day I was going through my calendar in the past ten years, searching for some things, and the more I browsed through it, the more shocked I felt, with memories rushing in. Namely, I used to work so much. I would give four to five training-days per week, with squeezing all the meetings, preparations, mediations, writing articles and handouts into the remaining time. I basically did not live – I worked, fed myself and I slept.

Consequentially I was completely knocked-out in illness twice a year for a week, of course always during national holidays, when there was time for such things. I never cancelled a training because of my illness. Once my then-wife drove me to the training in the morning and came to pick me up in the evening, as I was unable to drive myself. On another occasion I collapsed of exhaustion in the morning at the venue, just before starting a training, and they called the ambulance to take me to the hospital. In which I convinced everybody that I was perfectly fine, only to start my next training a couple of days later.

And the key thing here is that I felt really good about myself. What could possibly be a better way to live than to be slowly dying of work exhaustion, right? Greeting my friends with these survivalist expressions felt like acknowledging my own worth: “I am dead-tired. Wiped out. Completely drained. My head is falling off. I don’t know which way is up anymore. I am falling apart. My head is spinning. I am bone-tired…”

This tyranny of worshiping hard work apparently started with the agricultural revolution ten thousand or so years in history. From hunters and gatherers that were following the movements of the nature and living on the abundance it was providing, the farmers started to try to master the nature, which proved to be lots of work. And the paradigm emerged that you can only have things if you work and suffer a lot. No pain, no gain.

Now, we have all heard, I imagine, that apparently nobody ever regretted, on their deathbed, why they did not work even harder in life. Why they did not spend more time in office, in front of the computer. It seems that hard work is not something that necessarily brings meaning to our lives.

In the last year or so I have been living a very relaxed life, in a semi-sabbatical style, taking it really easy most of the time, and, oh boy, does my experience of it feel different. Full of inner spaciousness, ease, rest and consequentially time to meet life, to really meet it. Which brings more clarity into the question what would I like to celebrate on my death bed.

I would like to celebrate the sunsets I have melted in. The sunrises I have woken up to. The naked meetings I have had with other souls. The loving, heart melting moments of pure, innocent love. The conversations with stars. The moments of gratitude for the beauty of life. The times of wondering at this ever-emerging creation…

Yes, the stars are smiling at me all the time. Do I see this and do I take time to smile back?

• workaholic
• overwork
• rest
• mortality
• meaningful life
• worthiness
• Robert Krzisnik

When feeling unworthy, powerless, or afraid, we can hear others' comments as criticism, rejection, demands, limits, or attacks. Practice self-compassion, release attachments, and ask “How can I stretch the boundaries of who I believe myself to be, in service of love?”. Try replacing love with a word that inspires you (e.g. freedom, thriving, etc). Note answers that arise later. Or explore the question with a trusted person or in a journal. Read on for examples.

• identity
• criticism
• conflict
• judgement
• unworthy
• rejection
• attack
• jackal in
• demand
• belittle
• ego
• LaShelle Lowe-Chardé
• Elia Lowe Charde

Trainer Tip

We are here to help each other through life, this is why we are in partnership.

—Hugh Prather

Despite our difficulty in receiving appreciation, or maybe partially because of it, many of us long for it. This is a quandary because many of us have not found a comfortable way to ask that our need for appreciation be met, so our longing becomes even more pronounced.

If you are in this situation, consider asking this question: “Would you be willing to tell me three specific reasons why you enjoy working with me (or why you enjoy having me in your life)?” Try to be as specific as possible with this request. It doesn’t tell you much if the response is, “Oh, you know I love you. I just like spending time with you. ”Or, “What do you mean? You’re one of my favorite employees!” While these comments are intended to be supportive, they reveal very little.

If you receive responses like this and you do not feel satisfied, simply ask another question: “Really? Can you tell me what I do and what needs it meets that makes me one of your favorite employees?” This connection will be revealing to both of you.

Many people don’t stop to consider the underlying reasons why they enjoy someone’s company, or why they enjoy an employee. Taking this time can deepen your relationship, while helping you meet your need for appreciation.

Ask one person today what they enjoy about having you in their life.

This trainer tip is an excerpt from Mary Mackenzie's book, Peaceful Living, available from PuddleDancer Press.

• appreciation
• needs met
• request
• Mary Mackenzie

If we are to transform the existing social order, and shift to a mode of liberation for all, we'll need to look at our own participation in it. This includes how much we are able to focus on keeping our hearts open; speak to impact without attributing intention; and retain a humility that includes our systemic context. Read on for "how to" when we are in a position of less power.

• Systemic
• Accusation
• Racism
• Liberation
• Feedback
• Power
• Privilege
• Impact
• Blame
• To be seen
• Anger
• Being heard
• Defensive
• Conflict
• Honest expression
• Communication
• Conflict
• To be heard
• To be seen
• Calling In
• Calling Out
• Miki Kashtan

Duke Duchscherer shares what the role of the facilitator is in a restorative circle.

• Creating space for dialogue/inviting participation
• Staying in the present moment
• Stays in service of agreements
• Collaborate as a team
• Willingly restricting involvement (turns over decision-making to the community)
• Track the process
• Trusting the process 

• facilitator
• restorative justice
• group facilitation tips
• restorative circle
• Duke Duchscherer

Giving feedback across a differences in culture, race, and power isn't something that we have to do -- but we can choose to do it for our own liberation, if we want. And if we choose that path, impact delivered well can invite caring for all needs and increase capacity to learn. This is the exacting, rigorous work of speaking about impact without attributing anything to the person whose actions resulted in the impact. Read on for part 1 of 2.

• Power
• Impact
• Justice
• Liberation
• Feedback
• Power
• Privilege
• Impact
• Intention
• To be seen
• White fragility
• Being heard
• Defensive
• Conflict
• Miki Kashtan

Trainer Tip

I’ve never seen a stupid kid; I’ve seen a kid who sometimes did things I didn’t understand Or things in ways, I hadn’t planned; I’ve seen a kid who hadn’t seen the same places where I had been, But he was not a stupid kid. Before you call him stupid, think, was he a stupid kid or did he just know different things than you did?

—Ruth Bebermeyer

Oftentimes we blend an observation—the facts of a situation—with our own opinion. Here is an example: Say your brother spent all of Saturday helping a friend put a new roof on his house. An observation mixed with an evaluation would sound like this: “You are going to wear yourself out!” An observation that is separate from an evaluation would look like this: “When I see you spending all day Saturday roofing your friend’s house and I know how hard you work during the week too, I feel worried that you might wear yourself out.”

In the first example, the speaker judges her brother’s behavior: he’s going to wear himself out. In the second example, she acknowledges the facts—her brother helped a friend roof his house on Saturday—and acknowledges her own fears about how this might affect his life.

The difference is subtle, but the results are not. Often times, when we mix an evaluation and observation, we promote defensiveness in other people. When we are able to separate the two, we are more likely to promote an open dialogue about our concerns.

Be aware of your evaluations and observations today. Try to separate the two to create more opportunities for open dialogue.

This trainer tip is an excerpt from Mary Mackenzie's book, Peaceful Living, available from PuddleDancer Press.

• observation
• evaluation
• distinction
• Mary Mackenzie

When supporting someone with less privilege, first check with them how you can support.  If you're reacting more strongly to their undesirable experience than they are, this then shifts the dynamic so that they're setting aside what they want to attend to your feelings and needs - this may become work that they didn't sign up for.  Read on for what to do instead to support more equity.

• privilege
• power
• allyship
• empathy
• black Lives Matter
• race
• equity
• centering
• impact
• microaggression
• oppression
• conflict
• Roxy Manning
• Roxanne Manning

When your dedication to something is fueled by a profound intention to benefit all life, you might call it your spiritual practice. The word practice here is very specific. In the context of Mindful Compassionate Dialogue, practice means cultivating the compassion, wisdom, and skills to continuously and subtly notice what truly serves life. This practice doesn't require you to adopt or set aside any beliefs about God, life after death, or the existence of immaterial beings, etc. But it does ask you to commit. You are asked to commit to an experiment in learning, contemplation, and engagement, and notice exactly what happens. You are asked to inquire about what serves life and what doesn't - rather than take a stand on what you believe or don't believe.

Something happens when you don't ask yourself to decide what's true about reality, or what kind of person so and so is, or what kind of label you should apply to such and such group, or what the one "right" way is: you find freedom from the dense fog of bias and prejudice. Your mind turns away from abstractions and towards life that is happening in the moment.

You find the freedom to engage with life fully and it is deeply fulfilling.

If you follow politics here in the United States, then your spiritual practice is likely being tested. There are many hooks trying to snare you into divisiveness. A mind caught in divisiveness asks the question "Who deserves to have their needs met and who doesn't?" Marshall Rosenberg called this the most violent question on the planet. While the language of fear is riddled with labels and pressure to choose sides, spiritual practice stays steady on turbulent seas and continuously asks questions like, "What most deeply serves life and how can I do that right now?"

In any moment you can come back to these spiritual questions and get grounded in your intention. In a moment of hearing something on the news, you can do this. And in that very moment you have stayed with your spiritual practice. If you keep asking, wisdom will answer you. It's essential to listen closely, for even the smallest engagement is of value. You may not change entire systems with your moment of softening into your heart and noticing what's happening, but this consistent practice will clear your mind and allow you to see the opportunity for big change when it comes.

Practice

Right now, what can you do that will ground you in your intention to benefit all life?

• spiritual
• intention
• judgement
• evaluation
• division
• polarization
• LaShelle Lowe-Charde
• Elia Lowe Charde

Yoram Mosenzon suggests that when we make positive language requests, we tell people what we want. We give them an image of what would make life more wonderful. What we usually do is tell people what we do not want. This tends to create resistance.

For example: How do you feel when I say Stop asking me questions all of the time? What about if I say Would you be willing to write down your questions and I can get to them when I am done with this? Which version supports cooperation?

• language of life
• requests
• children
• cooperation
• connection
• Yoram Mosenzon

Trainer Tip

Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs.

—Charlotte Brontë

Violence is a result of thinking that others caused our pain and deserve to be punished. When living from this consciousness, we believe that our anger is justified. Consider road rage. A driver who engages in it believes that the other person is driving badly or is trying to tick him off, so he tailgates, makes hand gestures, or worse yet, shoots at them. He often feels justified in his anger.

Two weeks before, however, he may have driven down that same road in the same traffic but didn’t behave violently. Why? Maybe because he had an easier day at work, or left work earlier and had more time to get home, or it was his anniversary and he was excited about the evening ahead.

The stimulus was the same—traffic on a particular road—but his feelings were quite different depending on his needs. The cause of our feelings is related to our own needs in the moment. What happens is simply the stimulus. In order to maintain serenity in our life, it is important to understand this distinction.

Be aware today of times when you are tempted to blame other people for your feelings, and try to discover your unmet needs.

This trainer tip is an excerpt from Mary Mackenzie's book, Peaceful Living, available from PuddleDancer Press.

• stimulus
• cause
• blame
• violence
• punish
• unmet need
• Mary Mackenzie