If someone asks you to love them as is, try wondering what contributes to their need for acceptance. Loving someone and empathizing with them, doesn't mean you can't make requests for change. Recall that your requests are about your needs, not about them. Understand that requests may not be met due to lack of resources or skills, even if the desire is there. Clarify how important the request is to you and how negotiation can look.

• request
• acceptance
• love
• compatibility
• relationship
• conflict
• LaShelle Lowe-Charde
• Elia Lowe Charde

Sometimes life provides inspiring moments that are better than what I could come up with in my fantasy. For example, several years ago I landed, together with my then-wife on Crete, to start our one-week vacation. As it had been agreed beforehand, there was somebody waiting for us in the arrival hall, with our names on a piece of paper, to hand us the car we rented for that week.

And, it was not just somebody. It was a Greek god embodied! A tall and muscular young man in his late twenties, as handsome as a man can ever get, with longish black curly hair and a very attractive and dignified energy aura radiating all over, smiled at us charmingly and invited us to follow him to the car. Which we did, in silence, both amazed by his incredible appearance.

Car was in perfect condition, I signed the papers and as my then-wife was fiddling with her luggage, the Greek god gently pulled me aside and asked me with a quiet voice:

“Are you familiar with this car model?”

It was a soft-top 4×4 that I have never driven before, so I said: “Not with this particular one, no.”

He asked me, still rather quietly: “Do you know how to open and close the roof?”

“No, not really, never tried before…”

His voice became even more quiet, checking over my shoulder whether my then-wife could hear us: “Would you like me to show you how to do it?”

I was getting confused with all of it: “Sure, yes, of course, please do…”

Realizing that I obviously was not getting it, he leaned closer and smiled friendly: “You know, I don’t want to make you look stupid in front of your woman, so therefore I ask first. OK, let me show you now…”

While I did not quite share his somewhat patriarchal and machoistic values, I was astonished by this and had been marveling at what happened for the rest of that week.

There was this incredibly handsome young man, probably already completely used to people swooning around him, who not only did not have to prove to himself nor to the world how amazing he was, but even had care for this middle-aged tourist, trying to help me, to support my self-image. Like: “Yes, I am indeed very much enjoying myself, and I would love to help you to enjoy yourself too…”

Instead of competition there was the sense of companionship, mutuality, and, yes, what in Nonviolent Communication we like to call “power-with relationships”. I want to shine in my power, and I want you to shine in your power too.

Though not a fan of Margaret Thatcher, I find these words of hers very relevant: “Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you are not”

Doubting our own power and beauty, and then wasting our lives in trying to prove it to ourselves and to others by crowing endlessly, is a result of trauma, of course. A lack of unconditional love, appreciation, acknowledgement, welcoming… in our early years that taught us that we need to deserve love, that we need to be this or that in order to be good enough, etc etc…

I so much hope that, in a couple of generations, we might have considerably less traumatized individuals in this world that will find it very natural and spontaneous to collaborate rather than compete, to care for each other instead of fighting, to openly and authentically connect with others instead of trying to impress them… Not because that would be wrong, but because they would be so comfortable with themselves, so not stressed-out by the fear of not being accepted and loved, so settled and whole. Who would naturally live by the Ubuntu wisdom: “I am because you are because we are” because they would feel it deep in their hearts and bones.

Yet, on the second thought, witnessing how very persistent is the culture of conditioning children into obedience, with punishment and reward, with shaming and blaming, with power-over attitude when they are still in their most vulnerable first years of life…, yes, witnessing all of this on a daily basis I am afraid that it might take much, much more than just a couple of generations.

• NVC consciousness
• power with
• male conditioning
• Robert Krzisnik

About 15 years ago I had regular interactions with an acquaintance of mine of whom I had lots of enemy images and judgements, and our interactions were not easy. Life moved on in a way that we nowadays barely meet briefly every few years, yet I still remember a piece of wisdom that he articulated then, and I only started to appreciate lately. In the midst of complex and emotionally charged weeks of interactions, he said: “You see, one day, after all of this is passed, perhaps even on our death beds, we will end up opening hearts to each other and we will find out that we actually love each other. Why should we wait so long to realize that? Why not start treating each other in accordance with love that already is deep in our hearts?” The clarity and purity of this invitation hit me already then, but I did not want it to really hit me, so I kept pushing it away and out of our field. Quite successfully, I must say.

These days, engaging in various different interactions and remembering even many more from the past, I am being reminded of these words and seeing how profoundly they point at a certain danger that lies within the field of human interactions and communication, and specifically also within the field of Nonviolent Communication and the practice of empathic listening at the heart of it.

In my experience empathic listening can, among NVC practitioners, rather quickly become a mechanical activity that we do with each other, leading into ongoing frustration. You know, I have a conflict with, for example, my partner, she express herself, I reflect back correctly what she said and then I go on with my: “…but but but..” Or, if I am really skilled, I wrap it into “and, and, and…”

I still guard and remain within my position of who is right (me) and who is wrong (you). I still protect my little self, my little known universe. Nothing changes, only our field gets more and more drained of energy, juice, hope, flow…, we get more and more tired, start giving up on our needs, compromise…

One of my many mentors, Kazuma Matoba, said, that for him, in essence, communication is willingness to be influenced. I could not agree more with this statement. Namely, when I listen to you, am I really passionately, honestly eager to hear the humanity in you. I am really, honestly trying to hear the pain in your innocent heart? Am really not only open, but actually eager to be influenced by you and what I am hearing from you?

Only when I honestly lean towards you in order to hear your heart and to let your heart touch mine, only when I open enough for my heart to be altered by you, only then am I empathically listening and connecting with you. And when my heart will have been touched and changed by you, I will be changed, my world will be bigger and my reality will gain another dimension. Yet another voice will be added to the universal choir of life that I have been listening to.

Only then can I expect that a shift in our field will happen….

If I don’t intend to listen like this, with my full heart and openness, I may as well choose another way of spending my time, instead of fooling myself that I am such a good listener.

• empathy
• judgement
• enemy image
• listening
• influence
• connection
• conflict
• NVC shadow
• NVC community
• Robert Krzisnik

Trainer Tip

The hearing that is only in the ears is one thing. The hearing of the understanding is another. But the hearing of the spirit is not limited to any one faculty, to the ear, or to the mind. Hence it demands the emptiness of all the faculties. And when the faculties are empty, then the whole being listens. There is then a direct grasp of what is right there before you that can never be heard with the ear or understood with the mind.

—Chuang-Tzu

In Compassionate Communication, empathy is the respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. It does not mean agreeing or even sharing the same experience as the other person. It is a process in which we acknowledge and understand their experience without judging or bringing up our own life experience.

It is a moment in which we offer our presence to another human being to contribute to her life and meet our own needs for contribution and connection. It is priceless, powerful, and healing. It can defuse a violent situation in a few seconds and provide a level of clarity that catapults someone to a deeper level of personal understanding. It is what most people long for, but few know how to get. The process is simple; listen for the feelings and needs of the other person.

If your spouse is screaming at you because you were an hour late for your date, empathizing means that you listen for her feelings and needs without bringing your story into the picture: “Sounds like you’re furious and maybe scared because you value commitment and respect?” That’s it. Simply listen for the underlying feelings and needs of the other person and reflect them back to her.

It is amazing how healing it is to be deeply understood when one is angry. It only takes a few words, but it can move mountains of pain. Once the other person is heard, it is then your turn to express yourself.

Be aware of opportunities to express a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing today.

This trainer tip is an excerpt from Mary Mackenzie's book, Peaceful Living, available from PuddleDancer Press.

• listening
• presence
• empathy
• violence
• anger
• Mary Mackenzie

The terms power-over and power-with were coined in 1924 by a woman who has mostly been forgotten – Mary Parker Follett, while writing and lecturing about management theory and practice. Her approach, which centered on human relations and collaboration between management and workers, stood in stark contrast to the mainstream management practices of her day, which were rooted in what was then called scientific management, pioneered by Frederick Taylor.

I don’t know, nor do I imagine it easy to trace, how these terms migrated far away from management theory into the realm of social justice movements. Along the way, they have acquired iconic status. Power-over has become a symbol of domination, is equated with hierarchy, and tends to be seen as “bad.” Power-with is promoted as the be-all and end-all of “good” practices, and is often equated with an absence of leadership. This has been a huge issue in the Occupy movement: its “leaderlessness” has been the source of both admiration and condemnation by its participants and those who wish it well but don’t join in.

I am embarking on writing this piece and sharing my thoughts about this topic with a fair amount of trepidation, the kind that comes from fear of upsetting people. Here is my dilemma: I am profoundly committed to using power with other people and not over other people. In fact, I am temperamentally averse to imposing anything on anyone. Nonetheless, over years working with groups, both within organizations and in community settings, I have come to believe that a certain rigidity surrounds these terms and results in loss of effectiveness for groups and causes I dearly want to see thrive.

I’ve been collecting what I am referring to here as “myths” of power-with for some time. Learning to identify and counter some of these has been a personal journey of significant magnitude. I’ve had to stretch within myself, to transcend my aversion to exercising unilateral decision-making, in order to arrive at a much humbler and more nuanced understanding of how use of power can support the elusive project of attending, as best we can, to everyone’s needs in any given situation. This humility includes, in part, an acceptance of our human limitations. It’s been painful, sad, and sobering. At times, it’s also been inspiring and uplifting to recognize and think of ways of going beyond blocks to compassionate effectiveness.

My fear about writing all of this is none other than being seen as betraying the ideal and vision of holding everyone’s needs dear, of losing my heart, of giving up on the dream and becoming “one of them”, whoever “them” might be. I am well aware that this fear means that I haven’t fully completed the inner process of self-acceptance about my thinking and practice. I have waited for many months, and I want to wait no longer before offering these insights in the hope that they may contribute to others’ efforts at navigating the old and the new and finding a path that truly honors our humanity as we move, haltingly, and learn about creating a livable future.

I have identified, so far, six different misconceptions. It will take more than one post to cover them all. Today I am focusing on one particularly challenging one.

Myth #1: Everyone Can Be Included

I’ve been thinking about inclusion ever since a wise friend pointed out to me some fifteen years ago that total inclusion is impossible, because the explicit inclusion of all so often leads to the implicit exclusion of those who cannot bear the behaviors of some. During the months that the Occupy movement was operating in the streets, for example, many insisted on having all the meetings be open. I had so much admiration for the endless willingness of some people to weather the intensity, the wildness, the difficulty in maintaining any sense of continuity, the fighting, and the lack of movement, in order to maintain that principle of openness. Others, on the other hand, left the movement in part because they couldn’t tolerate these experiences and lost hope that the movement would move anything anywhere.

The question, as I see it, is not about whether we can create a space where everyone is included. I am quite confident that we cannot; at least not under present conditions in the world in which so many have been so starved for being heard, for their basic human dignity to be recognized, for their presence to matter, that they either cannot participate in a collaborative manner, or cannot tolerate others’ difficulties in collaborating.

So what do we do?

I’ve been pondering these questions for years, and have yet to reach anything that feels robust enough to serve as foolproof guidelines. Still, I’ve seen too many groups flounder and disintegrate because of too much inclusion, and the heartache I have about this is large enough that I am willing to offer my unfinished thoughts because they may spark more conversation and more clarity for many.

The direction I’ve been pursuing in exploring this rests on learning to accept our limitations. As organizers, leaders, and members of groups, we can come to terms with our limited resources. To come back to the example of Occupy, there simply wasn’t enough capacity within the encampments to handle the overwhelming needs of people who had been living on the streets, who had been having addictive relationships with substances, who had a different relationship with reality than most, or who suffered from severe trauma. As much as it may seem like abandoning the dream to decide to keep some people out, it seems to me that it’s more honest to recognize that sometimes we simply don’t have enough love and attention to provide to those in serious need. The art form, what makes this tragic awareness humanly bearable to me, is to maintain the true humble understanding that it’s our own limitations that make it necessary to exclude someone, not any fault of that person.

I want to believe that some day we will catapult ourselves into a way of living in which there simply aren’t individuals with so much trauma and anguish that they challenge all around them. I want to believe that we can find ways to surround people with enough love that we can move forward with everyone intact. For now, I don’t see it quite happening. My heart aches, and I am willing to accept this tragedy in order to support groups in continuing to exist as groups.

Individual difficulties are not the only challenge facing groups. Another core issue is the question of shared values and shared strategy. This, too, came up in powerful ways within the Occupy movement. At least in Oakland, and I believe in some other cities as well, the struggles around whether or not to adopt nonviolence as a key principle became overwhelming for many. Once again, I suspect that quite a number of people stopped participating because they couldn’t bear the repeating discussions that didn’t ever result in a resolution everyone could support. Might it not have worked better to amicably depart? Then, perhaps, those who were dedicated to nonviolent protest, non-cooperation and the creation of alternative power structures could pursue their strategy for gaining popular support for their cause. This is a case where what appears on the surface as exclusion might have given the movement a real chance to grow in popularity and draw in many more people who were turned off by the presence of those who wanted to include confrontational, even violent strategies, within the range of options they would consider.

The question of how a coherent strategy might be formed in a large leaderless movement remains open and unresolved. At some future point in this mini-series or elsewhere, I want to return to this topic, because I tend to believe that the anti-authoritarianism that exists in many progressive movements can get so extreme as to prevent forward movement. I am still digesting and pondering the reality that the large nonviolent movements of the 20th century, both Gandhi’s and Martin Luther King’s, were based on strict adherence to rules and precepts that were set by a very strong leadership. Nothing like what we see now. I am by far not advocating that model. I am just humble enough to recognize that something is sorely missing in the total rejection of leadership.

Back to the question of inclusion, I know that based on my own and Occupy’s experience, I have shifted. In practical terms, in the groups I help start myself, I am now willing to set conditions for membership instead of keeping everything open, and to accept that sometimes a group will need to ask someone to leave rather than lose itself as a group. How to do all of this with love and care remains an open question for me.

• power with
• inclusion
• power over
• social change
• activism
• equality
• NVC myth
• power
• capacity
• limit
• boundaries
• group
• Mary Parker Follett
• Miki Kashtan

You may want to shift power dynamics, intimate and family relationships -- especially if there's longstanding, unprocessed hurts. Reflect on where, when and with whom you tend to enter reactive “power over” patterns. Explore the feelings and needs that are up for you in those contexts. Imagine other ways that could meet your needs in or before those moments. In this way, in similar situations you can have more access to choice.

• power over
• family
• demands
• stonewall
• criticism
• defensive
• resentment
• reactivity
• LaShelle Lowe-Charde
• Elia Lowe Charde

Have you ever used the phrase "it was just a miscommunication."? We're often good at identifying when communication breaks down but not so good at finding out what went wrong and how we can improve. In this NVC Life Hack, we take a look at different types of communication requests and how they play out in a role play.

Keywords:

• Trainer Tip
• Shantigarbha Warren
• role play
• requests
• connection requests

Trainer Tip

I have a simple philosophy. Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. And scratch where it itches.

—Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Do you ever wonder if the reason your needs don’t often get met has something to do with you? I used to think this, but I would reassure myself that there was nothing wrong with me. Somehow it seemed more comfortable to blame other people for their inability to meet my needs properly.

Then I started to notice that people did exactly what I’d asked, and my needs still did not get met. This was the stage of my emotional recovery in which I became acutely aware of how important it is to design requests to fit specific needs.

One time I wanted to ensure that I was heard, so I asked my friend how he felt about what I said. It was a clear request, but it didn’t meet my need for being heard. A more effective request would have been to ask him to tell me what he heard me say.

Another time, I asked a friend to go to a movie with me and I went home that night feeling unsatisfied. Then I realized that what I really wanted was time to talk, which was not possible in a movie theater.

Before you make a request of someone, notice if the strategy you are considering is likely to meet your needs. If not, consider making a different request that may be more satisfying to you.

Be aware of your requests today and notice if they meet your needs.

This trainer tip is an excerpt from Mary Mackenzie's book, Peaceful Living, available from PuddleDancer Press.

• request
• responsibility
• blame
• needs
• Mary Mackenzie

Lately there has been, in our global trainers’ community, a conversation about how to deal with instances of trainers having sex with participants, at the trainings or immediately after. And many questions started to be presented into the field, some of them made me shook my head in puzzlement. One of the most typical questions I hear is: “Why singling out sex as something dirty, wrong, almost like some religious organisations do? Isn’t sex something beautiful, manifestation of love and magic and flow between people, an embodiment of a spiritual meeting of two souls that occurs in a certain moment?” And the other one that often follows: “Aren’t we all adults, making our own choices and being responsible for them? Who can judge these choices apart from people making them?”

Well…

The thing is that in my twenties I had been an active member of two spiritual cult systems with strong hierarchy and sexual abuse, and I have observed the particular dynamics that got created. Later I started to work as a psychotherapist and continued so for 12 years. Somehow I became rather popular among cult and abuse survivors and I spent my share of time listening to wounds and scars and pain that spiritual teachers, trainers and therapists left on people that came to them for help. And this is what I have learned so far…

The concern here is not so much about sex, but about power dynamics in asymmetric relationships. On the one side there is a person who needs help, support, wishes to outgrow certain patterns, for instance core-beliefs that they are not good enough, that they don’t deserve love, that they have to be in a specific way in order to get acceptance, belonging, connection. This person comes for support to a retreat, training, therapy and keeps revealing themselves, digging up painful and vulnerable content, exposing it again and again, continuously re-experiencing the pain and shame and fears that caused these wounds to be suppressed so deeply.

And on the other hand we have a trainer, coach, therapist, who is always warm, welcoming, asking powerful questions, giving guidance and answers. Compassionate, patient, well…, just perfect. And this trainer has power, guides the process, and does not reveal much about themselves. Unless they want to which than makes them even more impressive: “Oh, he is so humble and honest.”

You know, there is an asymmetric relationship even between my dentist and me, though on a very superficial level. I always come there in pain and with concerns, while she is always happy, shining, professional and so, so very all-knowing. She keeps digging into me, while I lay helplessly surrendered. She knows everything about my teeth and cavities and stuff, while I know nothing about her. I just keep revealing my wounds to this perfect professional.

OK, this might sound funny, but imagine a setting when it is not about teeth, but emotions, fears, patterns of thinking, traumas, core beliefs…

And then the projections and transference kick in.

The client, participant will tend to subconsciously project feelings towards the therapist, trainer, perhaps experiencing how suddenly needs that were so painfully unmet in their childhood, are all getting fulfilled: “This trainer sees me in my very essence and inner beauty like nobody ever did. I feel so deeply understood. And appreciated for who I am. And loved. And safe. There is so much connection here, and beauty, and trust… And he is looking at me so deeply, I feel like I am really special, chosen…” And these feelings may guide the client, participant into moving in a way they would perhaps not move outside this asymmetric relationship.

While I was working as a psychotherapist, I had experiences that often left me shocked. I had a gorgeous woman coming to weekly sessions wearing most provocative dresses, with extremely high red heels, shortest skirts ever…etc, insisting on describing again and again to me, within the therapy, how amazing she was in bed. After several sessions she finally admitted that all she had really wanted was to seduce me. Another young lady asked, after a very emotional session was complete, for a hug, only to then whisper into my ear that she was eager to go all the way. Yet another came with her boyfriend for a mediation, called me up after the session to tell me she decided to break up with him and wanted to switch to individual sessions, in which she was then behaving in a very seductive way. For a couple of sessions at least, while she was still holding some hope, I guess. I had ladies approaching me during the retreats I was leading, inviting me into intimate relationships while my then-wife was being at the event too, as an assistant. And so on…

Needless to say, these kinds of situations almost never happened in my “regular” life, yet quite regularly in these asymmetric situations.

And of course, we, the trainers, therapists, will not be immune to these projections and will experience our own counter-transference: “Oh boy, look how much appreciation I am getting, look how they laugh at my jokes, look how they really see me, I really finally shine…” As a trainer, therapist you may quickly become seduced by this all, as you are finally experiencing appreciation, respect, acknowledgement that you were longing for from your childhood.

So now, when the trainer invites the participant into intimacy, or vice versa, is it really two adults making adult choices, or is it wounded children being guided by their un-healed pain? We cannot know really, I believe, and this is why many organisations and schools have certain ethical guidelines, to, for instance, not enter intimate relationships at least 6 months, or 12 months, or two years… after the professional, asymmetric relationship is complete. And the magic spell hopefully disperses at least to a certain extent.

For the sake of transparency; I met my life companion on a large training on which I was one of the five trainers. Feeling attracted, I was very cautious and reserved and we only had a couple of conversations. For about a year we practically had no contact at all, just a friendly line every few months over FB messenger. We entered a friendship about a year and a half after we had met at that training, and became intimate almost two years after. So, though it all seems pretty safe and contained, I still wish we had met someplace else.

To conclude, I can only wish that all of us who are working in helping professions would get all the help and support that we need, all the therapy and healing, so that we would not be giving therapies and leading retreats in order to meet our own needs for appreciation and acceptance and closeness and intimacy, but to primarily support our clients and participants to grow in the directions they want to grow, to find healing and spread their wings.

• sex
• power
• privilege
• transference
• trainer
• facilitator
• NVC community
• abuse
• Robert Krzisnik

Just as setting boundaries is beneficial to relationships, NOT setting boundaries can come at a big cost. Listen to Yvette Erasmus share her experience with boundary setting, including:

• What are the costs to setting boundaries?
• What are the benefits?
• What are the possible next steps?

She encourages you to not get attached to the outcome - be attached to revealing yourself and putting your heart on the line.

• Yvette Erasmus
• boundaries

In Nonviolent Communication "power over" refers to the use of power to dominate or control others. It is a form of violence or force, whether physical, emotional, psychological or otherwise. Here are six lists, each containing different types of power over strategies: physical, sexual, intimidation, economic, emotional, isolation.

• power over
• red flags
• coercion
• manipulation
• violence
• domination
• control
• intimidate
• sex
• isolation
• threaten
• domestic violence
• force
• dating
• relationship
• Eddie Zacapa

Discover how the perennial strength of compassion and the living energy of needs can help you develop resilience in order to remain present with yourself and others amidst today's challenges.

Fully empower your place and engagement in life, cultivate and strengthen your center. The center is where your values lie, your heart center, and the center of your life force energy as it flows through you. When you act from your center, fueled by love, you start to harness a force beyond what you have known is possible.

Engage in spiritual practices through the deliberate and intentional focus of consciousness and action moment to moment that supports you in relaxing into and strengthening your presence and well-being. In this course, Robert offers several of these practices to help you to cultivate a spiritual practice, such as:

• Relationship to Life Force
• Needs consciousness: Fullness vs. deficiency
• Transforming fear, anger, and other primary reactive states
• Restoring our wholeness through self-compassion
• Developing Presence

Keywords:

• Robert Gonzales
• applying NVC
• exercises/practices
• integrating NVC
• multisession course
• NVC consciousness
• All Skill Levels
• acceptance
• awareness
• compassion
• consciousness
• empathic presence
• emotions
• forgiveness
• judgment
• life purpose
• meditation
• openness
• release
• self acceptance
• somatic
• spiritual growth
• transformation
• vulnerability
• spirituality

Blame is a misguided habit used to avoid pain and suffering, offering only a momentary distraction and oversimplifies complex histories. It also disconnects us from choice and agency, blocks us from discovering more about ourselves and others, and can keep us from having compassionate, self responsible conversations. Instead, we can practice speaking in terms of impact and notice our experience without trying to escape it..

• blame
• self responsibility
• impact
• cause
• conflict
• LaShelle Lowe-Charde
• Elia Lowe Charde

Trainer Tip

I think the one lesson I have learned is that there is no substitute for paying attention.

—Diane Sawyer

How many times have we attended meetings at work or in our personal lives that left us feeling overwhelmed, hopeless and annoyed? When we learn to clarify our needs, we create efficient and successful meetings.

Several years ago, I attended a training of 60 people. One morning in our big group session, a man made a request that there be a small group session that day on a specific topic. Someone else responded by saying that he didn’t want it to happen at 3:00 P.M. because he wanted to do something else then. Another person said that she didn’t think we should be spending our time on that topic at all, and yet another suggested that we cover it at 1:00 P.M., whereupon someone else said that 1:00 P.M. wouldn’t work for her.

Before long, ten people had spoken and we were no closer to a solution. Can you relate to this? We could have spent hours tossing around ideas, but we found a solution when I asked, “How many people here are interested in this topic?” Two people raised their hands. Then I asked the gentlemen who had made the request, “When you see that only two people are interested in this topic, do you still want to pursue this? ”He said “No.”

In an efficient group process, clarity is key. To enhance clarity, try to only say things if you are clear what you want back from the group. Then be sure and ask for what you want so people don’t have to figure it out for you.

Any one person in a group can assist the process with a moment of clarity. If a person says something and you’re not sure what he wants back from the group, try saying this: “I’m confused about what you would like from us. Would you help us clarify what kind of a response you’re looking for?”

Be aware of when you are not clear about your requests in group settings today.

This trainer tip is an excerpt from Mary Mackenzie's book, Peaceful Living, available from PuddleDancer Press.

• meeting
• gathering
• efficient
• clarification
• Mary Mackenzie

How do you protect yourself while staying as connected as possible with others? How can you effectively communicate your limits and boundaries in clear, confident, and compassionate ways that actually enhance and strengthen your relationships? 

This session touches on concepts like narcissism, codependence, and shame while providing a nonviolent reframing of those dynamics.

• NVC Spirit
• boundary
• limits
• demand
• self care
• self revealing
• Yvette Erasmus

Never, ever be afraid to do what's right, especially if the well being of the person or animal is at stake. Society's punishments are small compared to the wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way

—Martin Luther King Jr.

Be An Active Bystander

This quote reminds me of how important it is to do the right thing (that which serves life). No matter how hard it may be to do the right thing, we bring enrichment, peace, safety, care, and justice to the world when we do.

It is alarming that many times people do not do something to help others when others are in danger. Much research has been done to prove this point: that for some reason people do not help others in times of need. One famous case is the Catherine Genovese case.

Catherine Genovese Case

In 1964 more than 38 law-abiding citizens in Queens, New York watched a man stab a woman on three separate attacks in a half an hour time period

Many residents of an apartment complex at one point turned on their lights and one resident actually told the man, "Let that girl alone!"

The man left but came back and stabbed Catherine Genovese minutes later for a second time. Lights went on again as they heard a cry from Genovese screaming, ""Oh, my God, he stabbed me! Please help me! Please help me!"

The assailant got in his car and drove off.

But it wasn't long until he came back. As Genovese was staggering to try to get in to the apartment complex the assailant stabbed her one last time ending her life. Thirty minutes had passed and not one person called the police. One witness called after Genovese had died. The police arrived in 2 minutes.

Responding With Care & Action

Whether it is a parent who is abusing a child, a man who is battering his wife, someone sexually harassing another, a bully making fun of someone, or a person who is abusing a pet, we lose a part of ourselves and our humanity when we do not respond with care and support for others.

I challenge you to not be one of those many who do nothing, say nothing and look the other way. May your eyes and ears be vigilant when injustice occurs and may you respond with courage, honor and support for those who need you. For some strategies on things you can do to be an active bystander click here.

"In the end we will remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends." - Martin Luther King Jr..

• intervention
• bystander
• positive peace
• social responsibility
• Eddie Zacapa

Anger is neither good nor bad. When you don't foresee it or you haven't cultivated a relationship to anger, you may behave from it and hurt yourself and others. There are three reasons anger may rise: primitive anger, resistance, and lack of resources. For practicing with these last two types of anger, we'll look at four practices: cultivate awareness, pause and expand, self-care and planning, and allow grief.

• anger
• self care
• reactivity
• presence
• emotion
• conflict
• LaShelle Lowe-Charde
• Elia Lowe Charde

Trainer Tip

If you fear something, you set yourself up to experience it again and again. As Job said, “What I have feared has come upon me.”

—Gloria Karpinski

Nonviolent Communication teaches us that it is more productive and satisfying to focus on what we want than on what we don’t have or don’t like.

For example, say your partner spanked your five-year-old child, and you feel strongly that spanking is harmful to children. When faced with this, some people might focus on blaming their partner for harming the child, or on how this incident has harmed the child’s emotional and physical health.

Instead, I suggest that you focus on what you want instead of what you don’t want or don’t like. What will help rectify the situation right now? What would you like your partner to do next time a similar situation occurs? And what will help your child right now? By focusing directly on what you want, you eliminate much of the emotional pain caused by berating yourself or others.

Where is your focus right now? If it is on what is wrong with your life, take a moment to shift it to what you want.

Be aware of the times when you focus on what you don’t want today, and shift to what you do want.

This trainer tip is an excerpt from Mary Mackenzie's book, Peaceful Living, available from PuddleDancer Press.

• blame
• conflict
• judgement
• Mary Mackenzie

As difficult as it can be to do, the practice of radical empathic understanding — letting go attachment or desire for shared belief — becomes in my view not only a meaningful and valuable personal challenge but also a way to contribute to the larger world culture of “post-truth.” It may be a way that we humans can bridge the gulf of our differences in beliefs in order to come together to live more peacefully in greater well-being, respond collaboratively to the challenges and dangers we face, and create a way of living on the planet that is sustainable, just, and healthy for everyone.

One of the things that makes empathic understanding so difficult yet so valuable is that it can be quite humbling, in a good way! If I really open myself to hearing and understanding in this way, while at the same time trusting my inner strength of self-knowing, I may be changed by what I hear. My own core beliefs or understandings might change and grow. This is terrifying to the part of the mind that wants the stability and security of unchanging knowing of what is true and right. However, opening myself to being changed could be the key to transforming the energy of conflict into new possibilities for greater connection, creativity, and well-being. I have experienced this happen many times now in my own life. This openness to a person’s different reality and the fear of being changed by deeply listening is actually something I learned decades ago from humanistic psychology pioneer Carl Rogers who was (and still is) one of my greatest heroes and sources of learning and inspiration for my work.

In case what I am proposing sounds anti-science, I believe what I am suggesting is actually very much in harmony with the essence of the scientific pursuit of objective, empirically tested knowledge. This quest is always a process, never a static end point. Knowledge continues to grow and evolve, inclusive of all relevant data points that continue to emerge. Good science then is never about closed-ended finality of agreement on the ultimate truth. At its best, science is a beautifully humble, awe-inspired, curious and endlessly open-ended search for what disconfirms as much as confirms our current theories, a welcoming of new, anomalous data to incorporate into our ever-expanding understanding of the world.

Taking this relationship to truth into the realm of social change, empathic understanding can be practiced in the form of compassionate non-cooperation with what one believes to be harmful, both on personal and societal levels. I can refuse to cooperate with what I perceive to be unjust and unhealthy, while still staying connected in empathic conversation, open to hearing and understanding. This for me integrates the method of nonviolence for social change first developed on a large scale by Mahatma Gandhi in India last century, and used famously and powerfully in the U.S. by Martin Luther King, Jr. in the civil rights movement and Susan B. Anthony in the women’s rights and suffrage movement, as well as by many others.

So, the radical understanding I am proposing is not about giving up on objective truth or facts or acting to serve and protect the well-being of ourselves and others. It is about empathy and openness to others and their beliefs, finding a way to connect and cooperate no matter how disparate our realities of the world or the external sources of information we may believe in. And it is equally about standing strongly and courageously in being seen and heard for our own truths and needs for health and well-being for all, as much as doing our best to hear and understand divergent “facts” of others. I believe this way of empathy, strength, and compassion gives us our best chance to create conditions for the positive changes and evolution that we need to happen — personally, societally, globally.

• polarization
• post truth
• conflict
• disagree
• society
• dialogue
• social change
• humility
• understanding
• John Kinyon

We live in a world where there is a lot of anger. It can be a strong and intense emotion that we feel or receive from others sometimes on a daily basis. Whether that's an agitated partner, road rage, or a disgruntled colleague.

While we're familiar with this feeling, we're not necessarily well equipped with how to express it in a healthy way. In this month's Life Hack, Shantigarbha takes us through a guided reflection on anger.

Keywords:

• Trainer Tip
• Shantigarbha Warren
• anger
• honesty
• honest expression
• rage
• intensity