Welcome to the NVC Library

Historically, work, education, resources, land, animals, and relationships were intertwined, shattered by capitalism and industrialization. We transitioned from communal self-sufficiency to individualism, industry, and smaller families. To avert extinction and thrive, we need to reconstruct social systems, emphasizing the commons, uniting communities with the land and resources in interdependent, regenerative harmony.

This article is part 1/10 from the "Apart and Together" series

• interdependence
• society
• norms
• capitalism
• stratification
• economy
• children
• family
• patriarchy
• school
• working from home
• oppression
• community
• commons
• industrialization
• Miki Kashtan

Each MCD Relationship Competency identifies six Skills, along with specific practices for learning each. (For more context about MCD Relationship Competency 2: Empathy, see Skill #1: Identify the differences between empathy and other responses to difficulty, Skill #2: Identify what prevents you from offering empathy, and Skill #3: Use a diverse vocabulary of feelings and needs.)

Empathy is a form of attunement. Empathy is giving your compassionate curiosity to another by silently or verbally guessing another’s feelings and needs. For example, “Do you feel discouraged because you need support?” A formal empathy guess follows this structure: “Do you feel ____ because you need (value) ____?”

Practice

Empathy is a deep and subtle practice. The following 12 essential aspects of empathy only begin to describe this rich consciousness and practice. Read slowly through each one and notice what thoughts, feelings, or memories come to mind. How do you live or relate to each of these?

1. Empathy is a heart-based response to a heart-based expression of needs met or unmet.

2. Empathy requires the intention to connect and honor the other person’s experience as valid, regardless of how it compares to your experience.

3. Empathy is a form of responsiveness that depends on an internal sense of spaciousness and equanimity.

4. Empathy requires you to stay centered and self-connected. You are not taking responsibility for the other person’s feelings and needs.

5. Empathy often requires the ability to be comfortable with uncomfortable emotions and witness the suffering of others without trying to get them out of it. This means letting go of any agenda for the other person. (Requests about the behavior of others occur in your direct and honest expression, not in empathy).

6. The ability to offer empathy increases when you trust yourself to be true to your own experience. That is, you know that offering someone empathy doesn’t mean you are abandoning yourself.

7. You know how to set a boundary when you are done offering empathy. You know when you are not able or willing to offer empathy.

8. Offering empathy often means being okay not understanding content when it serves the connection. You are able to let go of your own need for mental clarity regarding the facts and details of what someone is sharing if it doesn’t serve the connection.

9. Empathy is grounded in the knowledge that when someone is heard deeply, they have greater access to wisdom and compassion.

10. Empathy can be silent or aloud.

11. Empathy is not always the best response for every encounter. Empathy is useful when the other person has a need for empathy.

12. Empathy can be offered when you disagree with another’s opinion, memory, or perspective.

• empathy
• NVC myths
• LaShelle Lowe-Charde
• Elia Lowe Charde

Trainer Tip

Nothing is unthinkable, nothing impossible to the balanced person, provided it arises out of the needs of life and is dedicated to life’s further developments.

—Lewis Mumford

"Power over" refers to people using their power or authority to get what they want. Examples include corporate leaders who wield their power to influence legislation that benefits them and parents who use coercion or punishment to get their children to behave in desired ways. Usually, this system sets up a dynamic in which a few hold power over many.

In contrast, "power with" refers to power that seeks to meet everyone’s needs. Examples of this include parents who discuss vacation plans with the rest of the family, corporations that seek participation and decision-making from all employees, and neighborhood associations that invite input from community members. A power with system values the input and needs of everyone who will be affected by decisions.

The most powerful change agent known to human beings is an intrinsic desire to change. The attempt to force people to change out of fear of consequences can promote an extrinsic desire for momentary compliance. It rarely, if ever, promotes long-term change.

If you notice you are using a power over paradigm to achieve a result, shift the focus to power with. Notice how this shift in consciousness affects the results.

This trainer tip is an excerpt from Mary Mackenzie's book, Peaceful Living, available from PuddleDancer Press.

• power
• power over
• power under
• marginalization
• force
• inequality
• coercion
• punishment
• decision making
• change
• compliance
• Mary Mackenzie

Listen to Yoram Mosenzan discuss requests. He asserts that we can make requests of others and that we are making requests of ourselves throughout the day. The thing that has the biggest impact is how I make requests of myself.

• Yoram Mosenzon
• doing NVC
• requests
• strategies
• needs

Falling out of love is a myth that can create a sense of helplessness and hopelessness. It attributes disconnect to some vague force that descends upon your relationship. With key questions and the willingness to find clarity, you can access agency in the midst of “falling out love.”

The initial experience of "falling in love" involves a short and intense period of time in which you both temporarily drop boundaries and meet each other's needs for love, caring, intimacy, touch, affection, nurturing, play, being seen & heard, and possibly more. With all these needs being met deeply in a short amount of time, it's natural to have a light happy feeling called "in love."

If you pursue a deepening relationship with this person you have "fallen in love” with, your boundaries will slowly reappear and staying connected will begin to require intention and effort.

Unfortunately this is not always so easy. Once you are officially in a relationship, all you have ever learned about what it means to "be in a relationship" demands your attention and sometimes hijacks your clarity.

You may find yourself having thoughts about what a good partner should or shouldn't do. You may compare yourself and your partner to standards that neither of you meet. In an effort to live up to these standards, you might push yourself to behave in a certain way. You might give up parts of yourself and many of the healthy activities you did before the relationship. If you think your partner should act in a certain way, you might start making demands or complaining, and lose connection with your own needs and the ability to make clear requests.

The sense of "falling out of love" is an important warning sign that lets you know that something is interfering with your connection to yourself and your beloved. When you notice this warning sign, you can ask yourself some questions to help find clarity:

• Am I telling myself stories about how I should be or how my partner should be?
• Have I given up parts of myself or what helps me thrive because of some idea about pleasing my partner?
• Am I so scared of losing my connection with my partner that I usually give up my needs in favor of trying to stay connected to my partner?
• Have I become stuck in a routine that lacks discovery and growth?
• Am I longing to meet particular needs, and feeling hopeless that they can be met in this relationship?
• Can I name the needs unmet for me in this relationship, and can I make doable requests of myself or my partner regarding them?

Answering these questions in dialogue with a supportive and empathic friend is a helpful way to get the clarity you need without an extra layer of self-criticism. Once you are clear about the needs you would like to attend to for yourself or your partner, brainstorm simple doable requests about how to begin to meet those needs.

Practice

Set some time aside now to journal about these questions as a first step.

• falling out of love
• disconnection
• misconception
• LaShelle Lowe-Charde
• Elia Lowe Charde

Many of us have been raised within a right/ wrong culture. From very young ages, we are asked, "What is wrong?" Yvette Erasmus shares a different view where emotions can be seen as expansion and contraction, where they can help us identify our needs.

I celebrate feeling frustrated because it makes me feel alive and connects me to my needs.

• feelings
• body awareness
• Yvette Erasmus

When I was a boy I received a King Kong action figure for my birthday. At that time I really liked King Kong and this gift was very special. While playing with my toy I soon found out that my little brother (around 3 years old) was afraid of my King Kong doll. So like a good big brother I ran around the house scaring him by showing him the doll and by roaring like King Kong.

My brother, of course, would run and tell my parents. My parents would take my doll away and then give it back with the condition that I not scare my brother. This process happened many times. On one occasion they even told me that if I did it again they would burn my King Kong doll in the fireplace

Well, I could not resist the temptation to scare my little brother one more time. I grabbed my toy and roared like King Kong once again and he started running and crying. But he did something that I will never forget this particular time. He ran as fast as he could right towards my father’s leg, grabbing and hanging on for dear life. He would not let go and we could not pry his hands off of my father’s leg. This image has stayed with me over the years. It reminds me of what I and my brother have always known – that no matter what the circumstance my father would always protect us and keep us safe. We both knew that we could count on my father to love us unconditionally and be there for us.

What saddens me is that many times in our society kids are running away from their parents because they are afraid of them. I long for all children to be safe and loved at all times. I hope that they can always feel secure enough to run to their parents when they are in need. Unfortunately, this is not the case in many homes.

The reason is that some parents have been educated to use strategies to deal with tension and stress in their lives that lead to lack of trust, resistance and power struggles. When parents get upset with their children they may raise their voice and criticize them. Then they may start to blame them and use threats. Eventually some parents will even hit their children or grab their ears or pinch them. These are all manifestations of power and control. Parents get upset with a child’s behavior and resort to what others may have taught them – that it is okay to impose one’s will on another by using power.

The message some parents have received is that they need to use their power (size, strength, ability to intimidate, etc.) to control their children. Yet, this strategy brings resentment, guilt, fear and shame into children’s lives. Unfortunately, most children who do obey do it out of that energy. When children respond to us out of fear or guilt we will always pay for it later on.

Most parents do not want their children to clean their room or eat their vegetables because of fear of punishment or guilt, but rather because they see the value in doing what they are being asked to do. For instance, by cleaning their room they can fulfill their need for order and beauty or an opportunity to contribute to their parent’s well being and desire to see order in the home.

So, what can parents do to promote love, compassion, cooperation and understanding in their relationship with their children?

Parents can model these values by focusing on their children’s feelings and needs instead of focusing on labeling the behavior that they dislike. When parents focus on labeling a behavior they begin to diagnose or evaluate the behavior and to think in terms of right and wrong. Bodies and muscles tighten, tension increases. They create a story that implies wrongness and stands in the way of opening their heart and connecting with their child. It is not uncommon for “should” statements to follow. Whenever we feel angry, there is a “should” statement close by. “Should” statements and moralistic judgments produce anger and when verbalized produce alienation, resistance and resentment.

But when we focus on the child’s feelings and needs and ask, “What is my child feeling and needing?” we open the door to understanding why they are doing the behavior and connecting to their needs. This is very important information (the child’s feelings and needs) because it helps us to empathize with them and discover their needs. This helps us to suggest something that not only meets our needs but also those of the child. The goal is to meet everyone’s needs and to let our children know that their needs matter.

For example if a child does not want to come home because he is having too much fun playing in the playground we can ask ourselves, “What is he feeling and needing?” The question is not that hard to answer if we take time to consider their situation and allow ourselves to be curious. The child may be feeling happy and excited and desiring to play more with his friends. So, when we realize this we can then ask the child, “Are you happy and excited because you are having fun playing?” The child will probably say, “Yes.”

The child’s feelings and needs are validated and matter. After connecting with their feelings and needs we can share our feelings and needs. We can say, “I feel concerned because I am longing to honor your mother’s time and would like to be home to meet her for dinner. How about you play for 10 more minutes and then we go home?” There is a higher probability that the child will say “yes” and do it out of a giving energy instead of fear. But even if the child does not say “yes” to our request it is important to remember that is not the goal. The goal is to connect and work together to meet everyone’s needs because everyone’s needs matter. When a child says “no” it is an invitation for further dialogue.

By focusing on our child’s needs we stay connected to them in a way that builds them up, models our values and fosters connection with them. It produces trust and a desire in them to want to run to us in their times of need rather than running away from us.

• parent
• family
• child
• power
• control
• cooperation
• trust
• Eddie Zacapa

Trainer Tip

The problem comes when we want to cling to a particular thought or idea. The mind always wants to cling. I’m 60 years old, and if I’m still clinging to being 40, then I’m in trouble.

—Ram Dass

Sometimes I hear people say things like, “I didn’t do Compassionate Communication this week.” Or “I tried Compassionate Communication when I was arguing with my wife last week.” Compassionate Communication is not a thing to do, or to pull out of our bag of tricks once in a while. Compassionate Communication is a consciousness of valuing everyone’s needs and of valuing connection more than being right, winning or protecting ourselves. It is a way of living.

It’s true that sometimes as a result of our old conditioning or our pain, our inner critic may chatter loudly or vehemently, or we may snap at our spouse, children or coworkers. However, our goal is to increasingly transform our way of handling these situations into a Compassionate Communication consciousness.

Shifting our paradigm of the world takes time and we all have a different learning process. I recommend that you set the intention each morning to live the Compassionate Communication process to the best of your ability. By simply setting the intention, you can live the consciousness.

Make a decision to be in Compassionate Communication consciousness today.

This trainer tip is an excerpt from Mary Mackenzie's book, Peaceful Living, available from PuddleDancer Press.

• intention
• consciousness
• living NVC
• doing NVC
• Mary Mackenzie

In this intriguing audio, Jim and Jori Manske create a framework for growing your feeling awareness, and offer daily practices for working with your feelings. Listen to this audio if you’d like to expand your emotional vocabulary!

• feelings
• awareness
• needs
• Jim & Jori Manske

Join Elia Paz as she shares a story that beautifully illustrates how boundaries are akin to consciously directing our precious energy. She artfully expands upon this concept by highlighting that life-serving boundaries embody the wisdom of discernment.

• applying NVC
• LaShelle Lowe Charde
• boundaries
• needs
• choice
• attention
• Elia Lowe Charde

We can use anger as an important signal to let us know that we perceive a threat to a universal need or value, directing our attention to something so that we can take effective action, and avoid harmful thought patterns. For example, instead of dwelling on a "should," focus on addressing unmet needs through boundaries and effective communication.

Anger is an important signaling system letting you know that you perceive a threat to a universal need or value for yourself or someone else. It is meant to direct your attention to something so that you can take effective action.

In the context of recovering from an abusive relationship, anger can indicate progress. It signals that the receiver of the abuse is beginning to recognize that their needs have been unmet. Anger can become a sort of catalyst helping this person to take care of those needs.

When you are mindful enough to recognize anger as a signal, you can take your time and meet it by naming it, accepting that it's okay to have it, feeling it in your body, and looking for feelings and needs underneath it.

Anger becomes a hindrance when you fan the flames of it with your thoughts. These thoughts are some version of:

• things should be different than they are, or
• someone should act different than they are

The word should leads you quickly to a disconnected state. It's easy here to get caught up in how right you are about the way people should behave or about how things should be. After all, it's true that your partner shouldn't blame you, right? As you have likely found, being right and telling your partner how they shouldn't blame you doesn't really help create intimacy or transformation. What's more true and important here is that something they are doing doesn't meet needs of yours and you would like to make a request for a change. That is, you might set a boundary and then invite them to brainstorm with you and find creative ideas for how to navigate challenging situations with more skill and connection.

Thoughts that fan the flame of anger are like a child having a tantrum. Children have tantrums because they can't yet accept that reality is different than they expect or would like. Like children in tantrums, your mind needs some gentle containment and reassurance. You can let your mind know that even though you don't like the situation, it doesn't help to insist that it not be what it is. It's okay to feel the sadness and disappointment about the way things are. Then you can connect with the needs unmet in the situation and take action to meet them. In the consciousness of MCD, you are continuously observing the content of life and letting it go so that you can remain grounded in what’s most important… love, care, respect, equity and more.

Practice

This week, notice when anger arises and ask yourself, "Am I meeting it as signal or am I fanning the flame of it with my thoughts?"

• anger
• unmet needs
• boundaries
• judgement
• attachment
• LaShelle Lowe-Charde
• Elia Lowe Charde

Join Mary Mackenzie as she offers a simple approach incorporating NVC into everyday conversations. Her observation is that sometimes speaking NVC empath guesses of feelings and needs can feel un-natural or robotic. A possible solution is to slightly shift the way a person applies their NVC skills, focusing on the flow of conversation in a modern way. This technique has become known as Street Giraffe. Her short video is packed with useful ideas that are sure to become useful tools you can add to your repritoir.

• Mary Mackenzie
• NVC
• applying NVC
• integrating NVC
• awareness
• Trainer Tip
• communication
• intuition
• relationship building
• street giraffe
• empathy
• empathy guess

Puzzling about needs and feelings? Check out this excerpt from Dian Killian's course, Embracing the Body: Somatic Self Empathy, where she leads participants through an exercise that demonstrates how our physical sensations connect us to our feelings and needs. 

• feelings
• needs
• sensations
• universal human needs
• Dian Killian

Trainer Tip

If God seems far away, who moved?

—Unknown

Do you sometimes struggle to connect authentically and vulnerably with others? If you find yourself in a relationship that is unsatisfying to you, look at how you participate in it. Is there anything you can do differently?

I used to feel very lonely and sad because my relationships weren’t as satisfying as I wanted them to be. When I looked at my part in them, though, I realized that I kept myself protected. That meant that I always looked good. No matter how sad, hurt, or angry I felt, I maintained my composure and I rarely asked for support. I wasn’t vulnerable or authentically connected with other people, although I wanted them to be that way for me.

I met my need for protection but at the same time I prevented myself from meeting my needs for connection, support, and intimacy. If you are struggling in a relationship, look at your own behavior and the needs behind it, and see if you can make some changes in your strategies that will positively affect your experience.

Look at your relationships today and see if there are things you can do to positively shift your experience.

This trainer tip is an excerpt from Mary Mackenzie's book, Peaceful Living, available from PuddleDancer Press.

• loneliness
• vulnerability
• authenticity
• connection
• request
• self responsibility
• Mary Mackenzie

• capacity
• limits
• oppression
• patriarchy
• society
• agreement
• gift economy
• generosity
• extinction
• force
• burnout
• Miki Kashtan

• evaluation
• interpretation
• judgement
• conflict
• domination
• NVC myth
• Bob Wentworth

Robert's passion was in the spirituality of the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) process. He saw NVC both as a process that helps people connect more authentically with themselves and others, and as a spiritual practice and way of living.

The worldwide NVC community mourned when Robert died in 2021. He left behind a legacy of work that emerged from a lifetime of inquiry into the intersection between spirituality and human communication.

The following video was compiled from the last 4 courses that he offered in the last year of his life.

His last 4 courses are included in the NVC Library.

• Living Compassion in Challenging Times (6 Session Course)
• A Worldwide Field of Compassion (8 Session Course)
• The Spirituality of Nonviolent Communication (6 Session Course)
• Living Compassion in an Ever-Changing World (10 Session Course)

• Robert Gonzales
• applying NVC
• NVC consciousness
• acceptance
• awareness
• body awareness
• compassion
• consciousness
• empathic presence
• life purpose
• openness
• release
• self acceptance
• spiritual growth
• transformation
• vulnerability

Yvette Erasmus suggests that making peace with our feelings reduces suffering. Sometimes we want to hurry through our feelings and just feel better. A nonviolent way of working with our feelings is to be present as our feelings change. We will notice that as needs are more met or unmet, our feelings will change.

Instead of asking why I feel this way, ask what is this feeling telling me.

• feelings
• feelings awareness
• Yvette Erasmus

Living Compassion in an Ever-Changing World is the last course that Robert Gonzales offered before his passing in November of 2021. It is an intermediate course whose purpose is to deepen our conscious connection to our own vital life force, to develop skills that support inner healing, and to grow and strengthen daily practices that allow us to truly live life to the fullest.

The primary focus of this program is to support the development of the consciousness of our Life force, which manifests as the energy and beauty inherent in our needs and values. The focus is to establish a clear pathway to identifying, experiencing, and cultivating this consciousness.

About the Facilitator: Robert Gonzales' work in Living Compassion emerged from a lifetime of inquiry into the intersection between spirituality and human communication. His influences included Dr. Marshall Rosenberg (founder of Nonviolent Communication), Stephen Schwartz (creator of Compassionate Self-Care), and other spiritual teachers. Robert established and led the Center for Living Compassion in Portland, Oregon. He received a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology in 1989, and his original profession was as a licensed psychotherapist. In 1985, Robert met Marshall Rosenberg and had been offering Nonviolent Communication training in some form since 1986 until his passing in 2021.

Approach: Robert Gonzales presented practices and processes he had developed in 30+ years of teaching Nonviolent Communication and from his personal self-exploration into how to live with compassion moment-to-moment in any and every situation that arises. The workshop incorporates teachings, process demonstrations and exercises, dyad meditations, guided group sessions, and silent integration times. Robert's evolutionary approach to Nonviolent Communication — with an emphasis on self-compassion — has helped thousands worldwide to find joy and freedom from suffering previously unavailable to them. Living Compassion is the body of work that has evolved from this emergence.

Keywords:

• Robert Gonzales
• applying NVC
• integrating NVC
• multisession course
• NVC consciousness
• acceptance
• awareness
• Intermediate Skill Level
• compassion
• empathic presence
• consciousness
• emotions
• forgiveness
• judgment
• life purpose
• meditation
• openness
• release
• self acceptance
• somatic
• spiritual growth
• transformation
• spirituality
• vulnerability

Our ability to reduce our reliance on money, or even exit the logic of money and exchange in our own thinking, is limited by the degree of trust we have that our needs will be met without it. The more we can enter into sufficient trust, the more we can enter into a web of sharing resources -- borne from a place of love. Read on for more.